Saturday, June 27, 2015

Masters in China

That last post is proof of my capabilities of finishing a thought lately.

A few things that have been helping me transition with my new life:

- The Longest Shortest Time podcast.

This podcast is just people talking about becoming parents and how you feel like it is such a long time but also so short. I saw a picture of Esther on my dad's chest and I can't believe that she was so small. And she wasn't so small. She was 8.14 when she was born. But she was small. And now she is even bigger and my back is sad about it.

- The Dailey Method

I have been doing barre exercises for a long time, mostly from videos. But I am doing trade work with the Castro-Mission studio and it is a life saver. I go every Tuesday for three hours and do some light cleaning and greet the clients. Esther is in the room next to the front desk so I can hear her cry, which is hard not to rush in there and rock her the way I only know how, but it is good to get space and to have a check list I must complete and actually complete it. I also get unlimited classes which are great and unlimited child care. Basically, I am not joking about it being a life saver. Depression is real and even though I am on medicine and was during all of my pregnancy, I have been working on getting back to my normal self after giving birth. hormones man.

- Golden Gate Park

This park is right next to our apartment. It's huge. There are so many nooks and crannys that I have yet to discover. Once Esther is big enough, we are going to create a fairy garden somewhere secret. Or Station and I will just do it now. The park is a fairy garden and it is so nice, unless you get a nice view of where all the homeless guys pee. Avoid the puddles.

Honestly, this transition has been better and harder than the transition with our first baby. I felt great right after Esther's birth. I felt like a human, which I did not after first baby. My depression was/is rough, but nothing compared to first baby. Thank goodness for modern medicine, open communication and less negativity toward mental illness.

 The guilt is real. I felt so guilty about not having that mom baby connection right away. It actually took about 2 months in for me to really really feel so connected to Esther. And once it hit it was hard. I woke up in the middle of the night and was just overwhelmed by it. I felt so guilty watching Station be so over the moon in love with her while I was like, yeah she is cool. Mostly she was an inconvenience. Which is a really bad thing to think. It is horrible. Right? But it is more normal than I thought and that is where The Longest Shortest Time has helped. It has brought up a lot of common feelings I have had that have made me feel more normal and given me hope that everything is fine.

My thoughts are still so fragmented, but I have to start somewhere. Maybe I will get back into the hang of writing. Not that I have ever been super at it. Here are more Esther pictures for the family.
My best friend holding our new buddy for the first time 

a few days old

sleeping in the wrap

She got me a free side at KFC because she is so cute

Station says she looks like a dork haha

Her preferred sleep position. Big head 

Her new outfit. And her sweater made by Grandma.