Monday, June 22, 2015

I Need My Girl

I guess I will start with that I had a baby. She is a bundle of joy. I don't think I can make sense of all of it in a coherent way, but I will try.

You would think that after having the experience of losing my first baby that once I had Esther it would be easy and happily ever after. But that isn't the case (that sounds super depressing and ominous so let me explain).

Everything that people have said that is super cliche about babies and being a parent are true. but you just don't get it until you are in it. Being constantly in charge of someone's well being is paralyzing. Some nights I have gone to bed thinking that I just can't do this again. Waking up. Feeding. Changing. And she is the best sleeper. So I don't have a thing to complain about, but I feel completely out of my element.

I think it is a cruel joke to tell someone they will be a natural parent. I just don't think that is a thing. Or maybe it just isn't for me. I am completely clueless most of the time. After I had her and the nurses came in and asked whether she had a wet diaper yet. CRAP. I am already failing at this. I didn't even think about that. I felt so stupid. Going from self involved to selfless in 30 hours of labor is not something that is natural. I mean, it is actually natural, but I have needed and continue to need to google new questions. Do you know anything about napping? I sure don't, I continue to google it and I am still sure that I have messed her up already. That is the thought that I am constantly fighting.

I am already messing up this perfect little thing.

I know people have raised babies forever and things have gone well, but I think I have a little PTSD from our last experience that I didn't know about. Things have gone wrong before and what is going to stop it from happening again?

She has a birth mark on right bottom side of her back and her doctor and another doctor that he brought in were concerned about. "I'm sure it is nothing to worry about."

This whole thing feels like I am going to wake up and things will be back to normal. That is what happened last time. We woke up and I wasn't pregnant but we also didn't have a baby. I just don't feel natural at this, but I also really feel like this is good for me. Basically I am on a rollercoaster. I go from feeling totally into this and then I have the fear and worry that I am lost and will never be found.

I am lonely. But when she laughed at me today? It is so cliche. But that's just how it is. All joy and no fun. Well, not the same fun. Fun that I am learning to get used to.

These photos are for my grandparents. Her middle name is after my grandma. hopefully I will get into the habit of writing again since we are in SF.