Wednesday, December 30, 2015


Esther has croup, which is a pretty horrifying experience. I remember my brother having it a lot when we were little, but it's different when you are the one that has to make sure the croup-ed is still breathing.

This year has been change, but the biggest change for me has been my idea of why we become parents. Not the initial reason, because that is usually wrong, at least it was for me.

In Mormon culture having childREN (plural) is a duty. Well, there are cultural implications and then religious ones, but without going into it, basically it is expected to have children. And if you "can't" people pity you as if you have failed at your duties, so on so forth. So, I have expected that since I am fulfilling a duty (which parts of that duty I do subscribe to) that I should automatically be fulfilled by it in return.

Negative, good buddy.

I am finding that being fulfilled is not a passive action. I think it is more like the action words like love and struggle. It must be made and created and cultivated and everything cliché. Which is obnoxious but there are clichés for a reason. I still haven't fully processed what that means for me. How do I create fulfillment when I am pretty house ridden due to Esther's nap schedule.

It is also hard because the original idea of House Wife is dead. I don't clean the clothes all day, it takes maybe an hour and we have clean laundry. I don't churn any butter, I don't have a garden (because SF), I don't do pretty much all of the things that women in the past have done to create fulfillment or at least keep their minds and hands busy. So, we have kids to keep us busy, but they are usually pretty boring. Sorry, Esther but you don't really bring a lot to the conversation yet.

So, here I am. Bored. Expecting to have a halo for doing what I am told. But I guess nothing is ever really done. At least not in this life. I can't just have a kid and my life is automatically full. I have to do it. Instagram doesn't do it for me, I usually feel guilty for not being photogenic or taking Esther on nature walks every day. Reading is great, but then I get cracker mouth from never opening my mouth. Friendships are hard too, because first of all, all the moms with the same aged kids are typically older than me in this area and, like, nap schedules man.

I remember a Bishop telling me that I may never feel fully comfortable in a new position that I found myself in, but then I did. But parenthood, motherhood. This is foreign. I feel pretty similar undertones in this situation as I did in uncomfortable ones in the past.

So, maybe I will get comfortable. Maybe as Esther gets older and I can have a relationship larger than feeding her and making sure she stops chewing on the dang cords all the time. Or maybe it will just never feel right.

But really. I do feel like it is meant to be. I wouldn't take it back. And I am feeling that deeper and deeper. Also, get over it. Life is hard. I can't just sit my life away. I need to work and struggle and fulfill and love. So what if I am bored? That sounds like a pretty nice problem to have, right? I am sure I can find something to fill my time with without feeling sorry for myself. It's just shocking. This whole thing was a huge shock. But it is also too wonderful and heartbreaking to not do. So, I choose to do this and not just wah wah wah do it. I heard Amelia from Man Repeller say that the secret to happiness is to be it. So, I am going to be "IT" I am going to be happy and I am going to work really hard at fulfilling my life and especially Esther's because there is something holy about it and something fun and shoot have I learned so much? I may not have a degree in anything important but I can keep a baby entertained while making dinner (sometimes).

Steve asked me recently if I still feel the same as I did with the last few posts. No, because I am choosing not to. I could if I dwelled on it for a while but I don't have time to dwell. I have crap to clean.